13 MIN READ
DEC 2022

It's funny. I was recently in a kind-of-ish rut since 2020. Not depressed, not ashamed, not anxious, but a lukewarm, subconscious feeling that I was living life in an unwillingly reactive manner without agency to change. Coasting along, adrift to the direction of the winds, attempts change to the flow being met with heavy resistance. Total 180 as of last month

I work a good stable engineering job which I'm grateful for. Proud of many achievements and learned skills, but very bored of it and want to be proud and learn more at a faster pace. I clock in and out on autopilot. Unengaged

I have tons of interests, but I don't DO many things in my spare time beyond reading or consuming passive stimuli. I mostly enjoy educational stuff and have learned a lot, think deeply, big fact boy, but have few showcases of it's application which instil pride; something I value

I got out of a real yet logistically untolerable romance a few months ago, probably waited way too long out of fear of finding someone more compatible and attracted to myself, feeling boxed in. Been on a few dates since, but just going through the motions seeing girls who liked me but I felt apathetic about. I felt I had to, as very well intentioned peers encouraged me to push. I abided with good intentions… yet muting my inner feelings with those I chose to go out with, thinking giving them 5th and 6th chances with bad vibes was a good idea

I have good friends I respect, yet I crave more social outings. I seldomly initiate them on my own. I wait for invites to trickle down my way out of fear of seeming too needy, taking rejection personally or not having faith to create an enjoyable night

For some reason last month everything clicked like getting hit with a sack of potatoes to the face. Literally all at once. It happened when I got rejected by a girl who I was genuinely pretty interested in which I find hilarious

On our last date, I tried flirting with her in a way which was bold for me and out of my usual comfort zone. Not delusional Louis CK pervert creep-o territory, these were some smooth moves where I confidently yet gently tested the waters to express earnest attraction to her personality. It felt extremely natural and right to do at that moment. She broke it off over text a couple of days later

Beyond minor sexual frustration, I didn't care one bit, and I DID like her. If anything, I was happier right after; being proud of my communication brought so much more joy than the reward of validation of my self perceived courage. Doesn't matter if that seems silly to others one bit. If she does not see the value of what I'm proud in, fuck it, nice girl, but we probably just aren't a compatible match and perhaps my own protection of what she valued was incorrect. Nothing lost

It's weird how the (my?) brain works this way. Something clicked. When I woke up the next day, my brain had this conversation with itself which was totally related, but I was oblivious to the connection at the moment:

Day 0

"Hey, didn't you want to join that skit comedy club course because you know you're fucking hilarious, have produced tangible funny content, are way more quick witted than people you know and love the process of doing it?"

"Sure, it's a very reputable club, but the website is confusing with all the courses they offer and maybe I should be spending my time focused on other big boy professional adult things. Plus, what if all the people in the class are the weird theatre kids you knew in school with purple hair and the instructors ask us to do ridiculous shit like act like an elephant. They are expensive too!"

"Well, drunkendavinci, fuck the website then if it sucks, want to call them on the phone to ask what is best? Do you really want or need to spend your time on other things right this second today? In months? And would you need to do the courses forever? It's only 2 months once a week for the intro course. Even if the course is expensive, can't you afford it anyway? And dude… dude… would you really care if there are weird theatre kids? Maybe there will be none, or they will all have mohawks, wear crop tops and Heelys shoes, but wouldn't you get along with the same interest in comedy? Aren't you unintentionally writing down your own inner monologue right this second in an almost quasi-skit and making an uber-cool 4th wall break by pointing that out? Fuck man, that sounds pretty true and natural to ourself. Maybe we are being less genuine to ourself if we resist that feeling"

"Oh FUCK… I can't argue with that. I can afford it. And I have the time. But fuck the phone, let's just drive to the front counter. Sniff out the vibe there. I'd want to see where I'd be spending my time

*subconscious high five* "okay let's get in the car bucko"

My self confidence just shot up like a rocket ship and has stayed there since. I didn't know why it did, but I trusted my intuition to ride the wave and act first. Because I'm a curious boy, I knew I wanted to ask questions later and distil this phenomenon to its first principles

Day 1

Decided "hey, I know I wanted to join a somewhat social sport league for the winter. Keeping fit alone with a gym is fine, but without peer accountability, I usually fall of the rails, and getting to know people in the neighbourhood is something I'd like. I haven't joined one yet, because, I don't know, I didn't put in the effort. I'm a small talk wizard, so I should fit in no problem. Didn't I want to join squash leagues? Let's look it up"

"hmmm, ya, there are some recreational level leagues. But it's booked full and has a wait list! Should we sign up now?"

"Maybe… oh wait. Shit! That league is like 45 minutes away. Should we try?"

"Wait dude. Do you want to drive 45 minutes just for that? And a wait list!?! Man, no, you're forcing it. Why not see it there is other stuff out there?"

"All the other leagues are serious. Clubs, expensive, high skill, old farts. Hmmm, but there are close by soccer and ultimate frisbee teams to join, never really tried that, and a friend I have loves it. Hmmm, maybe we join and really commit to it?"

"Ummmm, dude, you seem apprehensive. You're not stoked. Would you really have your heart in that or just be going through the motions? No, don't join it. Why not something else, ever enjoy a spot?"

"Actually, kind of. I did like Judo back in the day… but it looks like clubs here are all primarily for kids even if they have adult classes. As fun as it sounds to pick up children, violently throw them to the ground to touch and roll around with them, pin them down on their back with all my body weight and choke them out (that's a joke…), maybe something more adult oriented is better"

"Okay fair call man. Hmmm. When we look up Judo, we see a bunch of MMA and BJJ clubs pop up on google maps. A bit meat-head, what do you think?"

"Oh fuck MMA, and isn't BJJ the martial art for the Bro-Rogan crowd?"

"I don't know. Is it? Why not read a quick article?"

"...Oh no way. BJJ is acclaimed by Bro-Rogan, yes, but it is actually just "pussy Judo". Pretty much the same and skills transfer. Less high impact throws, more ground wrestling. I was best at that"

"Okay, sick, sick. Is there a club close by you're interested to check out?

"Actually ya, 10 minutes away, and they have a 30 day free trial. But, hmmm, do I actually want to do that as 'my' sport? I'm kinda into the idea, not totally sold"

"Uhhh, dude, it's a 30 day free trial. Are you interested enough to TRY it as a sport? Like if you don't like it after a while, you can stop"

"Oh, lol. Right. Ya, interested enough to see what it's about! Want to go to the club in person like the comedy club to sign up? That was cool"

"Not really. We are playing doom eternal which is a banger of a video game. Why not just call this time?"

*subconscious high five* "ya dude let's do it"

Day 2

"Oh dude we are on a roll! Don't we like learning and want to do more with our career too? Why not join a course! A masters program! Why not look up conferences? Why not network more? What do you think?"

"Hmmmm, I'm actually good"

"What? Really? You don't want more?"

"Hmmmm, I do, but, fuck, I'm kind of content. I don't want to load up our plate too much, and breathing space for idle activities like reading is still something I want. I still want to push for jobs, but I don't feel like joining a course. I'm already pretty confident in my abilities, previous experience, networking and interview capabilities. Do I need that external stuff? Hmmmm… how about this. Maybe I just continue networking as I started 2 months ago, but make a conscious effort to be honest with myself and complete an action which makes myself proud of my job search once a week?"

"Oh, FUCK, ya. That works. Maybe if sending out blind resumes to online postings does not make you proud, why do it? Maybe if something as big or small as reaching out to a firm partner or parlaying one connection to another makes you proud, make a goal to do achieve that feeling once a week minimum if it feels right? And no limit, why not twice if you feel like it? And if we do things which make me proud at my job now professionally, maybe we just take that as the win?"

*subconscious fist bump* Ya dude, that's it! Let's try that!"

"... and, hmmm, more broadly, with anything we do choose to do day to day, if we feel that tingling feeling of insecurity or desire, why don't we look at it, feel it, own it. If there are components we lust over but we don't truly like the sum of all parts, can we establish what we do and don't like about that thing, then choose to how to engage or not based on that? But if we determine something that aligns with what we want a lot, why not do something to make ourselves proud of improving or pursuing it? Not because we are obligated, but because it feels good. And if we desire to take a break or focus on other things, we do so because we choose that we feel could benefit from relaxation or focus redirection, and be proud of knowing when we should choose to do so. Not doing it because we are trying to conform to our fantasised projection of ourselves, peer expectations or engage in escapism?"

"OH GOD OH FUCK DEFCON 1, PISTOL'S COCKED, MOTHERFUCKER SHE'S IS GOING TO BLOW" *subconscious nuclear global annihilation*

Thinking deeper about what happened, without rejection of that girl, I wouldn't have learned that pride your actions and choices brings more fulfilment to one's self than the desired manifestations of said actions. Maybe I would have later when I lost a game of shuffleboard in the retirement home. I'd say this to others before, and believed it, but didn't understand it to the degree I do now. Self confidence and assurance, to myself at least, seems to be rooted firmly in the belief in my abilities, agency and actions I take to pursue my desires. It's the vector of where you've set sail and trust of your navigation that it will lead to better places, not target coordinate on the map is where that confidence comes from. Burnout or ruts occur when you feel you're not going in the right direction, and don't trust you have the agency change course or don't know where to set sail

I have conducted actions I have been proud of before which made me feel great. Even when I was loving the process of learning and improvement, the positive affirmation obfuscated this lesson to me; incorrectly associating my fulfilment with recognition of talents, not the pride in growth, choice and execution

It is an obvious lesson which many hear again and again... but from what I observe in others, I feel some can live a lifetime without TRULY understanding this concept. Even when others truly listen to all the fluffy-yet-well-intentioned Garry Vee videos or Tim Ferris books in the world, "learn to love failure", "find what you like and what is marketable, double down"... they never really reveal that magic of HOW to do so. All those guru's advice diverge at that point. How. And I don't blame them for that. It's the very real trope that people tell alcoholics; they are only ready to quit once they have something click inside, one way or another, and want to commit to that change

The stereotypical person who engages with that self-help content and doesn't take action will clearly absorb their information, but their self-conscious truly tells them "Ugh I don't know what I want to do TODAY, but I'll latch onto something I THINK I like, and I MUST think of how I will make that work to take me to where I THINK I want to be (coordinate on the map). I can forcefully attach my persona to that since, truly, all I want is to be a rich young baller entrepreneur like this guy and come home to fuck the prom queen"... The process of becoming that brings them anxiety, the outcome fantasy is mental masturbation to help cope with insecurities, failing to achieve their goals they don't see true value in with actions they hate leads to burnout. They force x10 the mental focus towards menial tasks to get something they aren't totally stoked about pushed along, lying and grandstanding about progress to themselves along the way. No fault of their own… almost always with good intentions

I now truly understand Elon Musk's response to a student regarding how to be a successful entrepreneur. "If you have to ask, then you shouldn't do it". If it's not driven from your true values or confidence in abilities within, worst case scenario you end up unsuccessful, depressed, alone. Best case you end up successful, depressed, alone

Just to clarify; I'm using entrepreneurship as an example just due to the wealth of text on it. It's a set piece for anything you wish to pursue

Human psychology is weird like this. Usually answers to fulfilment are simple and in plain sight. It's baggage and insecurities that keep you from realising it… and that's okay. It's only the extreme outliers which never experience such feelings. And for those who never do may live great lives, but even they don't have the privilege of intensely challenging what they value or learning what they dislike. For those who have done so, it can lead to a heightened sense of empathetic response to others; to see the value in others, truly relating to the anxieties holding them back, gently nudging them in a direction to reach their full potential. It separates the lone-wolf talented rockstars from the bold fearless leaders; the orchestra conductors perhaps. It motivates peers to rally around your flag, not for you to exploit their talents and what they can give, but to explore a symbiotic relationship of mutual growth